Thursday, May 30, 2013

A Look Back Could Be A Look Forward

While savoring my first cup of coffee this morning, my mind has been wandering through all sorts of things especially the things that have happened in the last year. It makes me wonder about all the things that will happen in the coming year--what I hope will happen and what I expect to happen. Just in the last year so much has changed.

This time last year I was packing up my little apartment and heading back to Texas. I still miss that gorgeous home and all it's character.

This time last year I was finished with my first year of teaching in higher ed under two different contracts with two different schools. I learned quite a bit even though I carried the title of Professor.

This time last year I was gearing up for the big wedding, shooting bridal portraits, taking marriage classes, finalizing decorations and details, and counting down to the big day.

It was a pretty wonderful summer and even after the last of the lightening bugs went out for fall, our year continued to roll along like a runaway train. I truly think January was when my life hit a reset button and started to slow some extent. It feels like I've been going, going, going even since I started school and a new change or experience has happen one right after the other. So many moments of "what's happening next for me?" If I could write a Reader's Digest version, it'd go something like this:

Go to school, change majors, catch up by taking summer school every. single. summer. Then start grad school a week after graduation. Keep going non stop until your thesis. Breath for a half a second. Get engaged to a wonderful man. Start life. 

Search and audition for jobs--bills are rolling in. Life twists and now you're five years ahead of your perfectly laid out life plan (Funny how Life seems to do that to you.). Finally you land a job with a real paycheck and possibilities. You're able to safely set a wedding date and then a miracle happens: you get the dream job offer you've always wanted. 

Move back to the OKC, start job, and learn a. lot. Continue the three year long distance relationship and planning the upcoming nuptials. Savor the last few months of independent living and dream of sharing space with your soon to be husband. Blink and you're standing at the altar. Take a flight to paradise, enjoy the Hawaiian lifestyle, come home and begin packing to move again. 

Start teaching year #2 with a whole lot of changes and new responsibilities under the job title. Welcome a niece and celebrate the coming of a second nephew. The biggest part of 2012, learning about married life--it's wonderful, special, irritating, hard, loving, don't-want-to-miss-a-moment, this-is-really-tough, absolutely infuriatingly fantastic. They say the first year is rough--it's a completely new experience to learn and grow in together.

Finally I'm at a point where I think there will  be some consistency to my life. It feels great to be able to know what's coming down the pike, but at the same time...I'm weirdly missing that roller coaster ride of   wondering, "what's next?" Sometimes I think I must be a masochist for even thinking about possibly wanting to be thrown into the unknown again.

While I find comfort and familiarity in having a stable life, I am concerned about my satisfaction in my future. I'm still in my twenties--there is so much time to accomplish more in my life! But what? I don't want to waste away years just plodding along at this same point in my life. Once you hit a new level, you keep playing until it's game over.

I've hit a level in life earlier than I planned, that's great. In being so busy getting settled, I haven't even thought of my what my next step is. That's OK to be settled and float along for a bit, but I'm feeling antsy now. I've no idea what my next goal for life is. As much as I hear people say, "Just let it happen," I can't. I'm a planner and this planner is in need of a plan. So what now? How to do I make a plan without a plan?

You start dreaming again.

That's exactly what I've started doing, too. Thanks to a friendly push from the universe, I've stopped wet blanketing ideas that have been quietly floating in my head, little sparks of chance. I've started to explore possibilities of making some plans towards a long term goal/s and it feels exhilarating. It's exciting, nerve wracking, and just what the doctor ordered. I only hope that I can keep this feeling fueling my fire.

So what exactly is my goal? Can't say yet, but it's in the works and I'm pretty excited about it. As soon as it's ready, I'll be shouting it out to the whole world so stay tuned!

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